Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
