whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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