i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
