I hate all girls vehemently.
Barsexuality is the new black.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
