why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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