Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
