My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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