This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
