I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
They have beer where we have blood.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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