would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
