If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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