If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Randomize
