what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
