She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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