conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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