I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
