pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize