Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
