Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize