I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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