i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
