I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize