he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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