My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize