oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
