My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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