I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Also, beer. Big fan.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize