We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
