i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
