so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
