I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
