someone threw a dead crab at me
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
