Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
