Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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