she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
