meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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