just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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