She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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