where am i from again
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
