My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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