Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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