i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
