You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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