i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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