pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
