He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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