I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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