I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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