i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
