I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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