peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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