I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize