I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
