Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
