Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
