i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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