Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
