Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize