We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize