I skipped work to stalk him.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
