why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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