a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize