I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
