i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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