On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
