The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
