Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
