the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
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