she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
