You can't motorboat a personality
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Who died my cat blue again?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
