I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize