Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
