I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize