I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
