i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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