i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
