woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
